I hear it all the time from my clients…”I WANT to love lingerie but I just don’t”. There is a pretty long list of reasons that I’ve heard in my years as a boudoir photographer and I’ve watched hundreds of women do a little work and actually figure out how to love a little lingerie in their life! Let’s talk about it (of course with some gorgeous photos to keep you on your toes)…
Makeup: Nicole Toledo Makeup Artistry Hair: Jamie Lyn Hair Design
First, let me be clear, this blog is not for babes who don’t want to wear lingerie. I know that some people have already tried or decided that its not for them and I totally get it! I don’t think lingerie is a necessity to feel beautiful or sexy. Its just a tool for the right people. This blog IS for people who WANT to love lingerie but find themselves hitting a wall. Let’s go through some of the things that I’ve heard and my advice on how to power through the struggles.
Lingerie isn’t comfortable
Ok, I can relate with this one. I’ve tried on plenty of uncomfortable lingerie in my life. BUT, not ALL lingerie is uncomfortable. I find that I wear lingerie for 2 different reasons and those 2 different reasons point to different kinds of lingerie.
- Wearing lingerie for me under my clothes on a normal day. There is something about putting on one of my favorite sets and getting dressed and going about my day. It just elevates the way that I feel, just like if you were to spend more time on your hair or take the time to put together a cute outfit. Its an investment in myself. THIS lingerie should be comfortable! I would never want to put something on all day and be miserable! When you’re shopping for this kind of set, you want to make sure you can find pieces that are sized correctly. If the options are only S, M, L, XL…this is probably not going to work for most people. But if you can choose M on bottom and 36DD on top, you’re winning! Look for colors and patterns that can feel a little saucy or a little classy or whatever you’re into. Then try them on! Send them back if its not the right fit. I worked through 2 websites to find my perfect fit and now I LOVE to wear these on a normal day and I know where to start with sizing if I want to order something new. Here are a couple of links to some everyday options: COLORFUL BALCONY BRA & PANTY SETS FROM LOUNGE & DARK CHERRY EMBROIDERED SET FROM WOLF & WHISTLE & I have this set with tigers but they only have a couple of sizes left so instead… WE ALL NEED SOME OCTOPUS RIGHT? HA!
- Wearing lingerie for some spice in the bedroom. THIS does not HAVE to be comfortable! Bonus points if it is, but that’s not the purpose when I wear it in the bedroom. Sizing is still important but not as much. It doesn’t need to hold my girls up so I look normal in every day clothes. It can have random straps in places that might not make sense on a Wednesday morning at the office, you get what I’m saying? These are great opportunities to wear things like SETS WITH STRAPS (this is actually really comfortable but not practical under clothes) & SETS WITH TIE UPS IN THE RIGHT PLACES (this is an old set that I have that I love, I could only find it on Ebay now but you get the idea) & GIVE ME ALL THE BODYSUITS!
I don’t look like the model when I put it on
This one makes me want to scream “PLEASE BOOK A SHOOT WITH ME!!!” because its not about you looking like the model, it is about you looking freaking phenomenal…AS YOU ARE. Ok, I’m sorry I got loud. But babe, take the expectations to look like that out of your head. Thankfully some of the lingerie brands have caught on and started to show us what it looks like on a real body, but most of the time what you’re seeing is not real.
I once had a client tell me that she was worried to give her husband her album and then him see her in the same lingerie in person because he would be disappointed. WHAT?! First of all, I did nothing to those photos to make you look like that. Sure, there was some posing involved but if you think posing did all of that, you are mistaken. One of the things that I love about my job is that I get to show you how the people who love you see you. So, when you look at that photo and you’re like WOAH…yeah, that’s most likely how your partner sees you. So stop thinking that your real body (IN PERSON & TOUCHABLE) is anything less than your beauty in those photos. You are so wrong.
One of my recent clients was prepping for her shoot and I asked her to send me some photos of the outfits she was bringing. She told me later that she questioned if I wanted to see them ON HER or just kind of laying out. She decided to put the first outfit on, took a photo, immediately deleted it and decided to just lay the outfits out on the bed. We laughed so hard as we talked about this after the shoot. That outfit that she put on and saw in the mirror and hated ended up being one of her favorite outfits at the shoot! She is one of the most confident women I know and if I showed you those photos you would be shocked that she couldn’t love what she was seeing on a normal day.
Stop looking in the mirror and deciding that you’re not good enough to pull it off. YOU ARE.
It just so unfamiliar to me
It doesn’t feel natural, it feels strange, I just don’t feel like it belongs on my body. Again, I’m talking to the babes who WANT to love lingerie. There are people who will not fall into that category and this is no pressure at ALL to think that you need to love it.
Let’s talk about my acquired taste for lingerie. Lingerie was something that was really fun when I first got married and then life got in the way. I never had a negative feel towards it, it was just kind of…not important (little did I know I was missing out). As I started specializing in boudoir, I watched so many women put lingerie on in the studio and feel their confidence go through the roof. About 5 years ago it hit me, why am I not doing this? So I went deep dive online shopping to see if it was something that I could enjoy as well. There were plenty of purchases that were returned. But instead of putting it on and thinking “gross”, I did exactly what I would do if a client brought an outfit that just wasn’t right for them. I always say that not every piece looks good on every body, but every body CAN wear (and enjoy) lingerie. So I took it off, said that one’s not for me, didn’t put any pressure on myself to change to MAKE it for me, just went back and found something better. As I curated a lingerie collection I figured out the things that I love. For example, on a normal day you will see me in black and grey and maybe sometimes olive green. I don’t venture out with color ever! But you look at my lingerie and you’ll see a different side of me. Although I have never had a BAD taste for lingerie, it was never something that I longed for. Once I invested the time, energy and money into finding some pieces that I felt good in, I found myself looking forward to putting them on my body. I feel like its a little gift to myself. “Hey Adena, you should feel really good in your body today… why don’t you put this on and enjoy?”
Now, let’s talk about exposure therapy. If you never do something, you will have a natural fear of the unknown. So start somewhere and remember to give yourself grace. Maybe you just start with a matching bra & panty set that doesn’t feel too saucy, it feels more like you. Then venture out a little more as that feels more comfortable to you. Or find some pajamas that are a little more sexy than you would normally pick and then wear them. For no reason, with no judgement, just wear them. Its important that you are somewhere you feel safe when you start exposing yourself to these things. Find your cheerleaders for support. I mean if one of your friends told you she was doing this, you would be like “SEND ME THE LINKS”, 1000% in her corner. Maybe put a bodysuit on under your comfy clothes while you make dinner. You’re home, you’re not going out wondering if people know, you can always change your mind if you’re hating it. One step at a time, grow into a lingerie lover.
Lingerie makes me feel like an object
Why do I have to be decorated to feel sexy? Do I need to add something to my body to make it acceptable to enjoy? Deep breath. This is a big one. You do not have to be decorated or add anything at all to your body for it to be appreciated, loved and adored. Read that again if you need to. Lingerie has had a stigma for a long time. For decades, it was only seen as a tool to get someone’s attention or to make their intimate partner more pleased. In recent years I’ve watched women take that back into their hands and start to lean into lingerie that is chosen for themselves. Sure, a partner might get to enjoy the benefits as well, but overall women are saying “I’m doing this for me”. Just like when you decide to put on makeup, its not a necessity. You walk by women every day that don’t have a lick of makeup on their face and you don’t care. It actually doesn’t change much about you, it just makes you feel pretty. If a friend showed up to coffee date with you in a brand new outfit that she was just looking BANGIN in, you would be like “DAMN GIRL!”, compliments flying. But if she showed up in her normal jeans and tank, you would still be thrilled to see her and spend time with her.
Lingerie doesn’t make you an object. People do.
As a boudoir photographer, I want to empower women in all areas of their life AND I share their mostly naked photos online. I’ve actually been told by a handful of people (and I’m sure its been said beyond my ear reach too many times) that I objectify women. I want you to ask ANY of my clients if they felt objectified for ONE SECOND during their experience with me. I am confident that they will all so say NO (and most of them will crack up because it was quite the opposite)!
“I love it when I open my instagram and see my butt on my feed.”
“I look at that photo of myself every morning when I’m getting ready and I remember who I am and what I can do.”
“I think I enjoy my album more than my husband does, I look at it all the time!” (Yeah, cause he can have the real thing!)
I can not change the way that people perceive what I do, all I can do is teach women how to be seen in a way that is whole & beautiful & breathtaking. Leave the people who can’t see that in the dust, because you deserve better.
I know that this is all ALOT to take in. If you’ve made it this far into the blog, I know you’re ready to give it a try and I’m cheering you on the whole way! Also, you’re welcome because I saved the best photos for last. Lingerie can be fun, it can help you tap into a side of yourself you don’t even know, it can spice up a day. But its not necessary. If after all of this, you just can’t love it, take it off and know that you are still worthy of feeling 100% enough.
